Live From NYC

I'm at a Data Management conference for work today and tomorrow. I arrived by train last night. DH came with me, as he has some work to do up here. It was really nice to have a relaxing dinner last night. We've talked more in the past 24 hours about things that usually stay unsaid. It's been very nice. I've cried a few times, but it's been very healing.

We almost thought I got pregnant this month, but AF showed up for real yesterday afternoon. We talked about our mixed feelings if it did happen ... Phoebe being so self-sufficient, going back to diapers is so not fun ... Phoebe is at such a wonderful age. She enjoys going places and doing a lot of the things we do ... We're not as young as we used to be ... will we have the energy with our pace of life to do babyhood again? But then we talked about the perks and I was very honest. I mentioned that I might feel better about my body, not feeling like it's defunct or broken. He admitted he knows that's been on my mind the past 8 or 10 years now. That's a long time to feel broken. I think he knows he'd feel the same way if it was a problem on his side. That his manliness would be in question as much as my womanliness is in my mind.

We talked a lot more at dinner. By that time we knew we talked too soon. I still told him it was a very good conversation to have at any time. Our 12th anniversary is next week and we talked about how different our lives are than we thought they would be. We're still very happy with them. But we both brought up the topic that we both thought we'd have a son as well as a daughter. I cried a bit at dinner admitting this both to ourselves. But I also had some tears of happiness. I feel so lucky to have him in my life. We both understand each other so completely.

BTW, dinner was fabulous. We ate at a very small Argentinian restaurant on 9th Ave between 43rd and 44th Streets. It was very cozy and romantic. We got back to the room and I did my nails and went to bed.

When I get back, I'm going to contact someone that has an office near my work that does herbal therapies at the local Birth Center. They do GYN care at the Birth Center too, so I'm going to contact her and see if she's ever worked with infertility issues. The description also says that she'll probably give diet and exercise modifications, and I really felt that was missing with my acupunturist. I didn't feel a connection with her. I felt she thought I should be happy with what I have and not need another child. She didn't seem to talk to me too much about diet and exercise, stress reduction and the like. I'm hoping to find someone I can partner with on this journey. I let you all know how it goes.

Comments

I'm so with you on the feeling "broken" - For me it's also a matter of feeling like I haven't completed something, like it's still outstanding. I hate that feeling hanging over me... I think if we could get past that, things would be alot easier. As for starting all over again... I haven't had diapers and bottled in my house in almost 14 years. That's a LONG time. I questions my *abilities* on a daily basis.

Enjoy your time away and it's great DH got to come with you.
Sara said…
Glad you are enjoying NYC with hubby . . . sounds like you both know each other very well.
Crystal said…
I know that it is hard with these ups and down. I'm so glad you have your husband. It is good to go through the trials and up and downs of life with a loved one. I think that you have to have a certain bond with your Acu. I never felt 100% with her, and I think that made me more nervous during the IVF process.

Hugs. :) Have a great time in NYC!