Joys In My Life

I do feel good about being very open about my infertility struggles. Hopefully, it has helped people I've come in contact with. I do often feel that one meets certain people in life so that you can be "at the right place at the right time." I feel that happens to me a lot recently. Today I actually shared my blog URL with someone at work, which I never do (if she reads this, I don't mind - you seemed to really need that support today). I hope reading about what I went through, which is so similar to her situation, she will find hope that I found my happy ending. I know not everyone does, but I hope just knowing is a bit uplifting. I've also been talking with another woman at work who is currently doing IVF as well. She says all the talks we've had over the years have helped her come to this current place and she seems really secure with her decisions she's discussed with me. She does currently have two older children, 14 and 10 years old, but for ...

Hi all. I'm sorry to report the fetal pole was no bigger today and there was no heartbeat. I don't have my hcg numbers back yet, but we're either expecting them to be dropping or slow rising. I'm to stop taking all progesterone and come back on Tuesday. They want me to not eat anything that day and they will do one last ultrasound before the doctor does a D&E. They want to do a D&E as they are afraid with my numbers slowly growing, it would take some time before my body realizes I'm not really pregnant. I am extremely disappointed, but I must admit that I'd rather know now this one will not work out than later in the first trimester, which is what happened for my one miscarriage. We had seen the heartbeat, but we lost it for genetic reasons at 10 weeks. I'm also glad they will do a D&E, because when they let me miscarry on my own when I had a blighted ovum, it was the most painful thing I ever experienced. I'll be asking the doctor...

I’ve been around the endometriosis block for around 9 years. In that time, I’ve read a lot and experimented a lot and have quite a bit of knowledge on the topic that I thought I’d share. 1. How to know if you have endometriosis? There is no foolproof way to know you have endometriosis, other than laproscopic surgery. Other than that though, there are some telltale signs. Some are known, some are not so well known. • Painful cramps during your period. You know those people that tell you their monthly cycle is so painful they need to stay in bed or take strong pain meds. That’s one of the most common signs of endometriosis. I never had it, but I found out during labor I have a high tolerance for pain. • Heavy periods with lots of clots. Oh this is me! If you need to change your pad many times during the first day or two of your period and you can’t help think this is the grossest thing ever. That’s a good sign. • Combine this with if you’ve not been able to conceive and you’ve ...

BTW, I got to hold my chart at the RE's office today. I started seeing him in 1999. That's 9 years ago folks. I had no idea my chart was that heavy. And the funny thing is that's not all my info. They are starting to go paperless with some stuff, so some of our stuff is on the computer system and not in the chart. I know that because Leo (remember that's his new moniker) had an SA done in February and the IVF coordinator was telling me we had to have a new one done because all she saw was the one from 2004 in the paper chart. She found the new one in the computer system. Can you imagine how heavy it would be if everything was in there? BTW, everything went well with the test today. It was really just prep work to plan for the transfer when we get there. I still need to get some outside lab bloodwork done and then it's just waiting for AF to show.

So today I'm going to the RE's office for a hysteroscopy, cultures and pap smear. After this the only thing I need to do is have some more bloodwork done on top of the bloodwork I had done back in February to clear me for ovulation induction. I'm getting some things done around the house before my appointment instead of going to the office and then driving again to the doctor's. I'm really starting to not like driving too much with the cost of gas the way it is. We're also trying to do a lot of other things to save money around here. Planning meals, only buying what we need at the grocery store, laying low for the weekend to save on babysitter, etc. We're really noticing in our budget that things are getting tight with the cost of gas and food. Anyone else having concerns of the cost of things these days? What kind of things are you doing to save? DH and I have been exercising every night with that regime we found on the infomercial. I'm really ...

So, Trace, remember my comment on your blog today about not wanting to move on to IVF? Well we are. DH and I went to the RE today and discussed our options. We all agreed we should go more aggressive, even though we're not sure why I'm not pregnant yet. I'll have some more bloodwork and tests done this month and treatment will probably start next month. They are currently reviewing my chart to finalize what tests are needed and send us them in a packet in the mail in the next few days. Earlier today, when we were leaving the doctor's office, I was starting to cry. I just can't believe we have to go this far. But as the day was going on my brain was adjusting to this new reality and I guess I'm OK. I need to continue the work I've been doing - destressing with exercise, meditations, imagery and Flylady routines; supporting this work with healthy food and supplements; and above all appreciate what I have now - the joys in my life - my family, friends,...

AF officially started today. I baseline on Friday! Yippee! Cr@ppy day at work though. All messed up. Phone calls and meetings all over the place!!!

AF still has not shown up. What's up with that?! My body is just deciding to continue to do exactly what it wants to do, which is not necessarily what I want it to do. I'm on day 2 of spotting, not that that helps. I started doing my Flylady evening and morning routines last night. I think it's helping reduce my stress. I also started doing Julia Indichova's imagery exercises again last night and this morning. DD is caught up on her homework from last week when she had all those dress rehearsals and shows, my house is roughly straightened up, we have laundry done and clothes to wear. Things are looking up, even though the show hasn't gotten on the road yet.

They moved up my pregnancy test and endometrial biopsy to this morning based on Friday's progesterone check. It apparently dropped and they wanted to make sure we got the test in before AF showed up. Of course the test was negative. My lower back has been killing me all weekend, I've just been waiting for it to show up at any moment. It'll probably be this afternoon or tomorrow. So based on all that, the doctor and I discussed next steps after he finished the test. I'm all set to start injectibles after I baseline on day 2 or 3, which will be sometime this week!!!! I don't think I've ever been wanting AF to show up this bad, so we can get started!!! Of course I know with the meds and stuff, I need to try to take better mental care of myself and stop beating myself up. I'm working to get back on the Flylady routines starting today, to try to keep me calm as we move bravely foward. BTW, one thing I like about the new procedures at the doctor's offi...

I'm one week into my two-week wait. Technically, it'll be one week after Thursday or Friday, but since my pregnancy test is next Tuesday, I only have one more week to wait. Things are going well. I'm still off the sauce - aka coffee. My new eating plan is going reasonably well. I can't say I eat all the healthy all the time, but I haven't had meat or chicken since I started this. I've also been very good about eggs and dairy in that cheese is my only downfall and I've had a little bit of that here or there. I need more time to cook things right now, but with all of Phoebe's dress rehearsals for "Pirates of Penzance" this week, it's been crazy. She has another dress rehearsal tonight and then they have one show on Friday for the school they are borrowing the theater from and then two shows on Saturday for the public.

According to the ultrasounds on Wednesday and then today, I officially ovulated two eggs on my own this month! One from each side and they are now making their way down my tubes. May they please meet up with DH's product of waking me in the middle of the night on Wednesday, LOL! Phoebe had to come to the RE's office with us this morning, because her school was closed for a Teacher's Inservice. She's seven years old now, so there was a little "Birds and Bees" lesson involved in this visit. After the ultrasound tech left saying that it was definately two eggs that released, Phoebe and I had an interesting conversation. Phoebe: "We're going to have two babies?" Me: "No honey, it takes a lot more than mommy having an egg released to make a baby. It has to join with a sperm in order to make a baby." P: "Where does the sperm come from." Me: "From a daddy." P: "How does that happen?" Me: "Well, th...

I might just start believing in all this "different foods impart different energy" thing of macro-biotics. I've been feeling very scattered in my brain lately. Yesterday afternoon definately very scattered. So this morning, I had a bowl of oatmeal (the 5-minute kind) with walnuts, raisins and some rice milk. I felt so much better, more grounded, just like the books said I would. It's an amazing feeling. BTW, carbs from whole grains are a big part of a macro-biotic diet. Just no processed carbs - white flour, white rice, etc. I had an ultrasound and some bloodwork this morning at the REs office to time ovulation so we can schedule the endometrial biopsy. I've got something big cooking on the right and even something else starting to look like a contender on the left. And this is on my own! Ovulation has definately never been my problem. So looks like I should ovulate soon. Hope DH doesn't mind a little BDing tonight, LOL! I really liked the vibe in...

I could tell I was still in a lot of pain when I wrote my last post, just by reading it. Things are going OK. I'm back at work today. I still had a bit of shoulder pain for most of the morning, but it's starting to dissapate. Now, I'm just mostly suffering with my bruised up belly. It feels good to be back at work. I got a lot accomplished just this morning. I have to run in a few minutes to pick up a cup of green tea to help me through a big department quarterly meeting. I have been very good with the macrobiotic-type diet so far. No coffee, just one cup of green tea a day. It's pretty much vegan, although I can have fish once or twice a week. You'd think that it would close off a lot of eating possibilities, but I think because of the big ouch I've just been through, I'm taking it a lot differently this time. I'll post more about what things I've been eating and what's working.

Hi all. Sorry I was gone for so long. Lots have happened. We had a great time on vacation in Disney. Phoebe collected Disney pins as souveniers and she went on every big bad roller coaster in each of the parks. We also got to go to the one water park, Typhoon Lagoon. She learned to love Epcot as much as us. She loved the pastries in France the most. My favorite ride was Soarin'. I wouldn't go on a roller coaster if you put a gun to my head. Thankfully, DH went on all the roller coasters with Phoebe. I also got my period when we were on vacation, so I got to call the RE to schedule my laporoscopy. I had the surgery this past Friday, 2/22/08. I'm a bit disappointed as it turns out the endometriosis was pretty bad. The doctor said he got about 90% of it. It's a bit disheartening considering all the Chinese herbs and supplements I've taken. I guess it's good to know what I'm up against and that at least there is a reason for all these problems. ...

So I've been pondering yesterday's test along with the news that my favorite Gwen Stefani is pregnant with her second child. This one I'm a bit jealous of and a bit hopeful. I think she is totally awesome, and from yesterday's test I feel anything could happen. I really have no idea why I don't seem to get pregnant on my own. But there is a part of me that thinks if I work hard to be as healthy as possible that it will happen. Of course, the hopeful part of me hopes it happens this month so I won't need to schedule the laproscopy. I've also been working out every night and eating healthy in order to look good in my swimsuit in Disney - if it's warm enough when we're there for me to wear it. I've lost absolutely no weight whatsoever, but I think my pants are fitting better. I didn't realize until last weekend how big my backside got over the past few months that I've been neglecting my elliptical machine. Last weekend I went out sh...

Just got back from the doctor where I had the sono-HSG test done. Thankfully, I took an Alieve with my vitamins this morning, so it was not painful. Everything looked good. My tubes are clear, so that is definately not a factor into why I haven't gotten pregnant. I talked to the doctor about that I won't be able to have the endometrial biopsy this month, as we'll be in Disney on vacation. He said we can still do the laproscopy at the beginning of next month and then do the endometrial biopsy at the end of next month. So basically, if I don't get pregnant this month or next, I'll probably be on injectibles and officially starting this process mid-March.

AF showed up on Monday, but I was so busy on Tuesday I didn't get to call the RE's office until Wednesday. My sono-HSG is scheduled for next Tuesday. I hope I remember to take some pain killers ahead of time. I always forget for those kinds of tests and then it's awfully painful. Unfortunately, we won't be doing the endometrial biopsy until next month, as I'll be on vacation at Disney for the entire week when we would need to schedule it. I guess it'll just have to wait. I am curious though if the RE sees anything on the sono-HSG that seems to warrant scheduling the laporoscopy right away if he will schedule that for the following month or not. At the same time, I'd rather us do the laporoscopy right before we start injectibles to make sure everything is nice and clear. Last night when I was driving Phoebe to her ice skating class she started talking about adoption and how she wants a sister. I asked her "Wouldn't it be nice though if Mommy co...

As I get closer and closer to AF being due for her visit, I must admit that Hope lurks around every corner even though there should be no hope this month. Phoebe was in the hospital when I was ovulating this month, and we no where came close to doing the deed until several days after we were all home. Of course, the brain has to think "Wouldn't it be so nice to accidentally get pregnant now that we had our consult with the doctor to begin our third try?" "Wouldn't it be so nice to cancel the running of all those annoying tests and laproscopic surgery I'm going to need before we start Follistim injections again????" I'm due at least by next Wednesday and it usually shows up a few days early, so I'll know soon.

I don't have too much time for a long post as I have to get to work, but AF showed up yesterday afternoon. Not that I expected it would work out this month anyway. Tom was at class when I ovulated. I got a call from my mom last night from the hospital. Nan is doing a little better. She was quite delusional since the surgery, and they kept drugging her up to keep her from being violent. My mom believes they had her oxygen turned up too high and that is was CO2 narcosis. Gotta run!

So why did I like that PBS special in my last post. Oh, I don't know. Maybe the fact that I STILL WANT MORE BABIES!!! It was so cute to watch this baby in the video and the faces she made, and how cute she was. Of course while I'm watching it I'm remembering what Phoebe was like as a baby. She was also so cute, big eyes and smile. Remembering the firsts that probably only I would remember... the first smile because she knew it was Mommy that showed up in front of her (she had lots of smiles before that for other reasons), the first recognition of something I said (I told her something was behind her and she turned around and got it. Huge deal as she didn't even talk at the time. I didn't know she really understood things yet.), her first word "Doggy" (and there was one across the street), and the last I'll ennumerate asking to have her ears pierced before she was even two years old (she kept asking for a whole month before we did it). I don...