Thursday, August 28, 2008

Doing Well

The D&E on Tuesday went fine. No issues. Although I started crying while they were strapping me into the table and putting in my IV. I think it's that moment that it hits you that it will soon be over. I haven't been bleeding too much (just spotting) and I wonder how long it's going to last. I'm so not a big fan of the monthly curse. Although when the next one comes, I can start taking BCPs and after two weeks of that, we'll begin injectables again for IVF.

This is our week off and we've been quite busy. This past weekend, Leo did the ceramic tile floor in his parents' kitchen. Monday we took Phoebe and our nephew deep sea fishing. Because one should always go deep sea fishing the day before a D&E... I caught a lot of the fish we brought home, woo hoo! Tuesday afternoon, I was feeling fine and cooked the fish and the quinoa salad I've posted about before. We had our friends and their almost two-year-old little girl over for dinner. Wednesday we went to Philly and saw the historical sights: Independence Hall, the movie in the Visitor's Center, Betsy Ross's house, Ben Franklin's grave and the Philadelphia Mint. We used to live in Philly and we take these places for granted. I haven't been to these places since middle school. I think Phoebe had a great time. She loved taking lots of pictures at Independence Hall. Then we went to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's one of our favorite restaurants.

Today we did school shopping. New sneakers, three pairs of jeans, bunch of cool shirts, new socks, new backpack and a folder and notebooks. Before school shopping we babysat our friends' daughter - the almost two-year-old and went to meet Phoebe's second grade school teacher. She seems really nice and Phoebe picked her seat, got a pencil box and found her cubby. She also visited the library and found out they just got a bunch of picture books for The Spiderwick Chronicles. She didn't want to stop reading them, so the librarian promised she'd hold them on reserve for Phoebe when she comes for library day next week. Wasn't that so nice of her? She said she was surprised Phoebe was so shy when we were around. When we're not there, she said Phoebe is one of her most confident students. That's so nice to know.

Friday, August 22, 2008

This Party is Over

Hi all. I'm sorry to report the fetal pole was no bigger today and there was no heartbeat. I don't have my hcg numbers back yet, but we're either expecting them to be dropping or slow rising. I'm to stop taking all progesterone and come back on Tuesday. They want me to not eat anything that day and they will do one last ultrasound before the doctor does a D&E. They want to do a D&E as they are afraid with my numbers slowly growing, it would take some time before my body realizes I'm not really pregnant.

I am extremely disappointed, but I must admit that I'd rather know now this one will not work out than later in the first trimester, which is what happened for my one miscarriage. We had seen the heartbeat, but we lost it for genetic reasons at 10 weeks. I'm also glad they will do a D&E, because when they let me miscarry on my own when I had a blighted ovum, it was the most painful thing I ever experienced.

I'll be asking the doctor exactly when can I start BCPs again so we can get back on the horse. I'm hoping it's once I get a period about a month after this surgery. That would probably be October. I'm going to do my best to take very good care of myself until then. I did have one consolation cappuccino after the appointment, but then I will go back to no coffee or alcohol. I might have some red wine once in a blue moon telling myself that it has iron in it, LOL!

I am still optimistic that IVF will give us our next child and that this can work with my eggs. I don't want to go the donor egg route. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's just our situation. We already have one biological child. If I had to have donor eggs, I might as well adopt. I did also make a joke at the doctor's office in between tears that if an October IVF cycle works, I'll have the summer off for maternity leave. That would be so nice.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wonder What Happens Tomorrow

Saturday will be 7 weeks and we have an ultrasound and bloodwork with the doctor. I'm hoping we see the heartbeat and my Hcg numbers doing some flying jumps. Anything to make me think this pregnancy is still viable. I've been taking it easy at home. I still don't feel as tired as I did when I was pregnant with Phoebe, but I know I eat a lot healthier, so is that giving me more energy??? Who knows. I know I feel bloated and a lot bigger in the lower belly than I was feeling and I got a yeast infection this week. Fun. Now I get to put two things inside at night instead of the progesterone suppositories I love so well.

I did go to bed very early last night. I was in bed by 9:30PM. Leo is at his parents doing the tile floor in their kitchen while they are out of town. They took Phoebe, two of her other cousins and an aunt with them. Last night everyone starts calling around 10:30 - 11:00 PM. First Phoebe, then MIL, then Leo. Phoebe was tired and missed me. MIL called to let me know Phoebe was OK all day and she thought she was just tired. Leo called after he finished working on the tile floor last night to tell me how things were going. I don't know if any of them realized I was sleeping when they called. I did fall back asleep between these phone calls very easily.

I'll let you all know how tomorrow morning goes.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Still Sort of Pregnant

I had another ultrasound and bloodwork today. The doctor did the ultrasound this morning and he did find a fetal pole, which is good news. My HcG today was 1851, which is not so good. I'd really feel better if these numbers were doubling or more. They want to see me again on Friday for another ultrasound and bloodwork. By then I will be 7 weeks pregnant. We should see the heartbeat by then, if this is viable. On one hand, my doctor is very good, giving this a chance to see if it will proceed to a healthy pregnancy. I on the other hand, am jaded, as I've had two losses in the first trimester and both those losses had some early indicators of issues. Things with Phoebe were right on target.

Phoebe was sick over the weekend. She had a fever of 103 on Saturday night, so we took her home from her grandparents. She was supposed to stay there all week. Sunday, we loaded her with fluids and made my famous chicken soup. I think I have perfected that recipe as everyone in the house loves my chicken soup. I'll need to post that recipe soon. She had a fever still on Sunday morning, but in the afternoon when the motrin had worn off, she was fine. Eventually she did hit 101 in the early evening, but this morning she woke up fine and has been fine all day. She'll be going back to the in-laws either tonite or tomorrow. Not sure which. I stayed home with her all day (other than my doctor appt that she needed to come with me) as Leo was in New York City for work.

Friday, August 15, 2008

State of My Union

So I'm doing OK. I'm actually doing great considering everything going on. I'm actually thinking if we get the official on Monday that this isn't going forward, I'd like to do some serious detoxing of my system. I will not be downing a big glass of wine or coffee after the bad news. I've come this far without that stuff in my system, I'd like to let it continue.

I'm also doing great because even though DH and I had a rough conversation Wednesday night ("Are you sure we're not playing God" my response "God helps those that help themselves" - thanks Mom for that quote, I use it often) we had a good conversation this morning. He brought it up that if we find out on Monday that this won't work, he just wants to know what the game plan is and when can we try again. I almost kissed him massively, but I stopped myself because he was driving. I'm glad to know that he's as committed to this as I am.

I'm coming back later to add that the baby shower went great. They were totally surprised and I think they liked the gifts. I have to admit I had a lot of fun shopping for them.

I'm going to leave you all today with the lyrics for one of my favorite songs. I'm not gay like it indicates in the song, but I can so relate with the feeling the need to push things along in life and sometimes it's alright to just trust the will of the way. Lord knows, my plans for my life have been in pieces for quite some years now.

It's alright forty days of rain my skin stretched out from the growing pain
I'd be nice to have an explanation, but it's alright
And it's alright if you hate that way, hate me cause I'm different, hate me cause I'm gay
Truth of the matter come around one day so it's alright
I look at this lifeline stretched way all across my hand
I look at the burned out empty like a plague across the land
And for everything I learn there are two I don't understand
That's why I'm still on a search through the weather strewn church I'm doing the best
I can and it's alright
And it's alright though we worry and fuss, we can't get over the hump or get over us
It seems easier to push than to let go and trust but it's alright
When we get a little distance some things get clearer
Give em the space our hearts grow nearer I ran as hard as I could and still ended up here
but it's alright I look at this lifeline stretched way all across my hand
I look at the fires of hatred burning up the bounty of this beautiful land
I know I'm small in a way but I know I'm strong
And it's my thirst that brought me to the water when I give it all up then she carries me on and it's alright
Yeah it's alright
And it's alright though I feel afraid my plans in pieces my plans mislaid
It's the will of the way the will of the way the will of the only way
that could have brought me here today and it's alright.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Throwing a Baby Shower - Believe it or Not

So with everything going on in my strange corner of the world, I'm throwing a baby shower at work. I'm actually having fun. The cake is ordered and I have to pick it up in the morning. Today I went to BabysRUs with over $300 from both departments - it's a husband and wife that both work at this company, so I coordinated both departments to pitch in. For a big gift, we got them a baby swing. Then I got receiving blankets, a soft blanket, three outfits and a blanket sleeper. Also a baby bath product basket and a baby care pouch with thermometer, nail clippers and nail file, hair brush and comb and medicine droppers.

I read Trace's latest post today before I went and I must admit it inspired me to be so giving. Just because I'm having a tough time with this pregnancy does not mean I cannot be happy for other people and want to give them joy.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Not Sure What's Going On

So I wasn't particularly happy at my ultrasound. They saw a sac, but didn't seem to see me as far along as they expected. We redid my bloodwork and my HcG was 1011, which I went to a calculator, meant that it was only doubling every 3 days. I'm wondering if we're dealing with a blighted ovum here. I had one of those before Phoebe. I'm not going to let this get me down. If this one is not going to work out. I know we can do this again. I'm just disappointed right now that things aren't going the way I was hoping they would. I was hoping for everything to be rosy from here on out. They want to see me again on Monday for an ultrasound and bloodwork again.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Day 39 - Tomorrow is Ultrasound #1 Day!!!

I can't wait for tomorrow morning. I feel like it's forever since I've been at the doctor's office. You get so used to spending at least two days a week at the RE's office that when you are successful and only going once a week, you feel a loss of some kind. I still need more reassurance that everything is going on OK in there. I think St. Gerard and St. Anne are sick of hearing from me.

So what else is a girl to do? I had my own homemade miso soup for breakfast - give that baby some vitamins and minerals from seaweed, when you feel like there's nothing else you can do. Have a morning snack of blueberries. Lunch was leftover pasta. I'm probably going to go set myself up some nettle tea and later have a green apple for a snack.

We're having company over for dinner tonight, so that will keep my mind of thinking about tomorrow. I'm so proud of myself. I usually would never be able to do something like this, but last night I marinated chicken thighs and made some cucumber salad (DH's favorite!!!) so it would have time for all the flavors to meld for dinner tonight. We're also having corn on the cob and I bought 6 ears of corn. It suddenly hit me that I had enough food for company tomorrow. And our friends, K and G (and their sweet two-year-old daughter J) live in the town next to us. And it's K's day off! I left her a voice mail and she called back later to say they could come. Of course the house isn't as clean as I'd like it to be, because I haven't been able to vacuum for a week and a half now. Depending on what we see tomorrow, I may have to break down and clean a bit tomorrow night.

I'm also proud of myself because I put together our meal plan for the week yesterday. Meal planning is one of the ways I'm trying to save money, by not wasting food. I'll have to post our menu another time. I have to work for a living!!!

Monday, August 11, 2008

Can't Wait For Wednesday

As a lot of you may know, this is one of the most maddening parts of pregnancy. I don't feel pregnant, other than the constant need to sleep. Every now and then, I'm starting to question if things are OK. I don't expect to see the heartbeat on Wednesday, as I'll only be 5 1/2 weeks along, but I hope to see things looking well without a question in their mind about the viability of this pregnancy.

I keep thinking positive, though. I just know that everything is going to be OK.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Still Looking Good

Beta #2 results are in and they are good. Today was 220. They seem to be happy with my doubling time and don't feel the need to do another blood test. They want to see me for my first OB scan next Wednesday at 9:45AM. I'm quite certain with the way my numbers went up we're dealing with a singleton pregnancy. Now we just need to make sure we have a good scan next week. I'm sure we won't see the heartbeat until the following week, but I ask to see a nice yolk sac and the part where the baby will develop.

My sleeping patterns are off. I'm getting up earlier and earlier in the morning to pee and then I'm having a hard time getting back to sleep. I'm having really vivid dreams and I'm waking in the middle of them to go to the bathroom, but it hasn't been the middle of the night wakeups yet. Yesterday was 5 AM and I didn't bother to go back to sleep. Just went and made some tea and cleaned out some personal emails. This morning was 4:30 AM. That is just too early to wake up and I need my sleep these days, so I tried to go back to sleep, but my brain was still racing from the dream. I finally started falling asleep at 5 AM, just in time for the alarm to go off and me to keep hitting the snooze button. I finally woke at 6 AM.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Mamma Mia!

In the filler between Beta #1 and Beta #2, I'll give you all an update on my fabulous lazy Sunday. We sat around, watched TV and decided to go to the movies. Leo actually suggested Mamma Mia. I think he realized it would get my mind off waiting for the Beta #1 test. We took Phoebe and she really liked it. I explained it as "High School Musical for Grownups." She's heard ABBA in my car before, so she knew a lot of the songs. Well, now we're having lots of fun on our morning and evening drives into Wilmington for work/camp singing ABBA at the top of our lungs - both of us. It cracks me up to hear her get into it as much as I do.

BTW, the movie was a great feel-good movie. Just what I needed for that day. It was really cute and funny. Makes me want to see the real musical on Broadway even more. One of these days I should see if I can get tickets for all of us. I think Phoebe would really enjoy it, especially now that she knows the music.

Monday, August 04, 2008

Woo Hoo

If anyone knows my favorite comment to the newly pregnant, it's woo hoo! Well it can officially be used for me now. My beta HcG result was 121. Which the nurse said is a great initial beta. I go back on Wednesday for a repeat beta to check the numbers.

So for those thinking IVF may not work, I cut out the caffeine, ate healthy - including some macrobiotic recipes with seaweed in it, drank decaf green tea, took lots of vitamins and supplements, tried to relax with music, yoga and Julia Indichova's visualization exercises as well as prayer. Think positive!!! I'm so happy for all my blessings right now I could just burst. It was a long road getting here, but I strongly believe that I was meant to learn many lessons along the way, which I will try to stay true to.

Waiting For Results

I must admit I didn't POAS anymore over the weekend and now I'm wishing I had. I mentioned to the phlebotamist (sp?) that I cheated and she mentioned that since I had an HcG boost, the results might be inaccurate. I worked to get that negative thought to bounce right off me. My HcG boost was a quarter of the full dose and it was a full 9 days before. I find it hard to believe that my HcG would still be so high to show up on a pregnancy test. Plus I have been so terribly tired. I don't even remember being this tired with Phoebe.

I hope they call soon. My order of importance is to call Leo first and let you lovely Internets know second. I'll let family and friends know tonight. And as I've mentioned before, we need to be careful if it's positive not to let Phoebe know right away. I want to wait until it's a little safer.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Looking Good

So y'all know that I was going to POAS over the weekend. Well I did this morning and it was a medium positive. I say "medium" as it wasn't light and it wasn't dark. But it was positive folks!!!! I'll post a pic when I get a chance, as I'm sure Leo would think I was completely nuts taking a pic of that stick to show you all. Leo actually made a comment that he was wondering if I was going to want to buy a test over the weekend and he didn't want me to waste the money and that I should wait for Monday. I hope he knows I may buy another one so I can see if the line gets darker tomorrow and Monday. I'm sorry, but I've decided it's for the best. After so many months of waiting for doctor's phone calls after the bloodwork, it's too much stress for me.

I'm very happy, very optimistic, and quite believe that this will result in a healthy baby for us to take home. I just don't feel there's any other way to feel these days. I am becoming a true believer in the power of positive thinking.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Tired

So very tired. I keep feeling like I could fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Yesterday, I was so tired when I was driving home, I laid down on the couch for about 20 minutes and dozed off. I only woke up because Leo came to see if I was OK. I went to bed early, but even before that, I fell asleep before the end of Last Comic Standing on TV and that was over at 10 PM.

All this is a good sign. When I've been pregnant, the only early preganancy sign I had was being so tired. Granted this usually happened after I had a positive beta, so I don't know what's going on. I'm trying not to get myself worked up on early PG signs. But I am very hopeful. My test is on Monday, but I'm sure I will POAS before then. I know I have some under my sink in the bathroom. Not sure when I'll test though.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. I know ours will be low key.