This Party is Over

Hi all. I'm sorry to report the fetal pole was no bigger today and there was no heartbeat. I don't have my hcg numbers back yet, but we're either expecting them to be dropping or slow rising. I'm to stop taking all progesterone and come back on Tuesday. They want me to not eat anything that day and they will do one last ultrasound before the doctor does a D&E. They want to do a D&E as they are afraid with my numbers slowly growing, it would take some time before my body realizes I'm not really pregnant.

I am extremely disappointed, but I must admit that I'd rather know now this one will not work out than later in the first trimester, which is what happened for my one miscarriage. We had seen the heartbeat, but we lost it for genetic reasons at 10 weeks. I'm also glad they will do a D&E, because when they let me miscarry on my own when I had a blighted ovum, it was the most painful thing I ever experienced.

I'll be asking the doctor exactly when can I start BCPs again so we can get back on the horse. I'm hoping it's once I get a period about a month after this surgery. That would probably be October. I'm going to do my best to take very good care of myself until then. I did have one consolation cappuccino after the appointment, but then I will go back to no coffee or alcohol. I might have some red wine once in a blue moon telling myself that it has iron in it, LOL!

I am still optimistic that IVF will give us our next child and that this can work with my eggs. I don't want to go the donor egg route. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It's just our situation. We already have one biological child. If I had to have donor eggs, I might as well adopt. I did also make a joke at the doctor's office in between tears that if an October IVF cycle works, I'll have the summer off for maternity leave. That would be so nice.

Comments

Martha said…
I am so sorry and please take good care. A glass of red wine once in awhile is very therapeutic. Big ((HUGS))
Emy said…
So, so sorry!
nancy said…
I am so very sorry Heather. ~hugs~ a billion times over.
Trace said…
Oh, oh, oh, my heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry.
I've so very sorry Heather. I wish I could write a different ending.

Many Hugs,
Faith
Well-heeled mom said…
I am sorry.
Sara said…
I am just so, so sorry . . .
erin said…
So sorry...
Kate said…
Oh Heather I am so terribly sorry. I was really hoping that everything would work out. Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment on my blog. It means a lot that with everything that you were going through this past week that you took time out to think of me and my problems. You are such a great person and I just know that wonderful things are in store for you my dear.
MamaSoon said…
So sad. I am sorry that there wasn't a heartbeat. I can't imagine how you must feel. ((Hugs))
sara said…
I can't even begin to say how sorry I am. I know that there's no "correct" words to say right now..but my heart sank when I read the first line of your post. I am so so sorry - and I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. ((Hugs))
Kirsten said…
I hate to see that but I am glad you are taking it the best you can. Sending hugs your way :)
Lynda said…
What a roller-coaster ride you've been on lately. I'm so, so sorry Heather. You are doing so well and have inspired many with your outlook. I really thought this was going to work out for you.I hope October is your month.
Kim said…
I am sorry to read your news. I have been where you are so I know how hard it is. Please take care of yourself.
Just Me. said…
Oh Heather, no! I am so so sorry. The minute I read your first line, I felt everything crash before my eyes and I can't imagine the pain you must be going through.

I'll be praying for you. I wish there was something that I could say something to make the pain go away.

My heart's breaking for you.

((((((BIG BIG BIG BIG BIG HUGS))))
Loren said…
I can't imagine the pain of getting that ultrasound. My heart goes out to you! It's just not right. I hate it!
I will be thinking of you and your family this weekend-and until you get your baby. However that may be.
You sound so strong and resilient-which I know you are- but please make sure you grieve this loss and are ready before you try again.
lots of love.
*loren
Mrs. B said…
Damn, I'm so sorry.
I am very sorry to hear that. Best wishes.
Dramalish said…
Oh no, Heather.
I'm very sorry for this loss, and hope that Tuesday goes quickly and sees you healing soon.
I'm thinking of you.
-D.
sky girl said…
I just got back from being away all weekend so I'm just catching up now.

I'm so sorry Heather. So very sorry.
Lauren said…
I am very sorry to hear that. But this was just clearing the way to your healthy baby that is coming.
dmarie said…
Just catching up. I'm so sorry!
Loren said…
How are you feeling Heather? I've been thinking of you.
hugs
sara said…
Hope you're hanging in there okay still - just was thinking of you.
Carrie Ann said…
I'm so sorry and sad to read your post. Wishing you the best with your next try
Hopeful Mother said…
I'm so sorry. I will be praying for your healing and for your next steps.