Joys In My Life

OK. I've got my energy back. I got lots done last night. I didn't get down to the gym, but I completed the following: Had dinner (more on that later). Did evening routine of cleaning up dishes, packing lunches for tomorrow, getting Phoebe ready for bed. Walked the dog. Gave the dog a bath (she really needed it). Cleaned up the kitchen Folded a load of laundry, started a new load. Mopped the kitchen floor. Cleaned out some of my drawers in the closet. Wow! I did good. Then I read some of the latest book I'm reading. I'm a Michael Crichton fan, and I'm just getting around to reading Prey. Dinner tonight was one of our favorites, a bed of field greens, clover sprouts, avacado, gorgonzola cheese, and grilled sliced up Italian sausage with a raspberry walnut salad dressing. Mmmm, Mmmm, good.

Yes, she does. Interesting story, and it definately proves that she pays attention to the conversations we have with her, and not just what she wants to say next. Here goes.... we're in the Strawbridge's children's department on Saturday, sent there while my DH covertly got the Easter candy from one of the stores nearby. We got bored at looking at clothes that are Phoebe's size because none of the pants have adjustable waistbands which she needs for her Size 6 legs and Size 4 waist. So we started looking at baby girl clothes, and I was saying we should look for Aunt Darci, because we want her to have a girl. So then Phoebe says, "Let's look for clothes for my baby sister." I asked her, "What baby sister?" She said, "I'm going to have a baby sister." I asked her how this was going to happen and she said, "You and Daddy are going to get a baby from someone else, because you can't have one." I guess my infertility ...

Interviewing tomorrow. I'm very nervous. I guess in a way I'm hoping we both like each other. I'm starting to think that interviewing is my new dating. I haven't dated in over 12 years, but interviewing has all that excitement, anticipation... will I like them, will they like me, can I spend the next few years of my life with them. Funny thing, I don't believe in divorce, so I'll never date another man in my life, but no one stays with companies forever anymore. We divorce companies when we realize we have "irreconcilable differences." We can date new companies forever, although in this case there probably will never be the one that is forever, that is meant to be for us for all time. Didn't one of my blog friends say something recently about not blogging after drinking wine. Oh well, guess I'm committing that mistake. It's not like too many people read my blog, so no one may ever know. So I also heard there are a lot of project m...

I'm unsure what today's title is. There's a lot of things going on in my mind. I cleaned out our emails tonight. Haven't really done that since we got back. There were lots of emails about our friends that just had a new baby three days before my birthday. It's their second child, and I'm really happy for them, but in a way I feel a little jealous. They had announced this pregancy when Tom and I had gotten the negative results of our last IVF. In a way, I feel we should've been in their shoes. They haven't really had a good marriage, although it seems like it's getting better. Their first child was a compromise. We didn't think they'd ever have any more. They complained about infertility. Obviously we were more infertile, as they got pg just by monitoring temps and were going to try Clomid if that last month didn't work. Ha! Any way, other updates are I have interviews at Juniper Bank on Friday. I'm telling my company I need ...

Tom went out of town on business again yesterday morning, but he called me a second time last night for the sweetest reason...to tell me that he appreciates me. This meant so much to me! I think the reason it really came to his notice is that the house was a real mess after my SIL stayed with Phoebe and Corona last week. We got the house all ship shape and then still had time for other things on Sunday. But I think he realized how much the little things I do (thanks, Flylady!) keep the house in order and how much he's come to like it. The last piece of the trip to KCMO I liked is that we went to Independence, MO and toured the Truman Presidential library. It was very interesting. I'm also curious why I seem to be able to find an infertility lesson in every corner? Found out on the tour that Bess Truman had two miscarriages, and that finally their daughter Margie was born. They only had the one daughter, and she was spoiled with attention. Sound familiar to our story.

I'm glad that Tom and I can be so honest with each other, but sometimes his honesty makes me wonder why we're together. I guess it balances out with all the strange things we have in common that make it amazing how we found the perfect person to be with. So last night's honesty.... I miss my home and family. I miss my crazy daughter and even more crazy dog. I miss being able to make dinner in my house at night. So I admitted this to Tom and he admitted he doesn't miss them. That maybe because he goes away on business a lot, he's kind of immune to that sort of thing. We talked about how I'm always Mom. I never go away on business. I'm away from Phoebe when I'm at work, but other than that we're always together. Tom and I will have Phoebe go to her grandparents overnight sometimes so we can have a really late night out and sleep in late the next day, but I still know I get to see her the next day. I'm going to call home now and see how the crazy bu...

I feel fantastic!!! I had my massage first, which totally blissed me out. Then I had a pedicure and a manicure. My toes are bright pink. Perfect for spring, which I am so ready for. My fingernails are a nice natural color, which will be good to stay neutral. Last I had my makeup done, and I learned quite a lot. Not just about makeup but skincare. First thing I learned (LISTEN UP LADIES) do not exfoliate every day!!! It strips the natural oils from your skin and makes it thin and dehydrated. I've been wondering why my skin has been more prone to fine lines lately. I also learned more about how to apply my eye makeup to make my eyes pop. I left this experience feeling like a million bucks. I need to do this for myself more often. So now, I feel like my face looks so good, I don't know if I want to mess it up my working out in the gym here at the hotel. I may do it anyway and then try to recreate the look myself.

So here I am in sunny Kansas City, MO, and it's my birthday. I could go on and on about how I love to fly and miss Phoebe (she's back home with her aunt and the dog), but I have a spa appointment, the first in my life, starting at 9AM central time, so I better go take a shower, get dressed and some breakfast and get out of here. More info later.

So I had a breakdown Friday night. We were going to my sister-in-laws 28th birthday party. Tom could tell I wasn't in a great mood on the over an hour drive there. So on the way he asked me what was going on. I explained. I explained how I really still wanted a baby, didn't want to do treatments, and wasn't quite sure about what to do. We talked about adoption. Apparently he heard that there may be a way to get a low cost adoption, even from the adoption agency we contacted for more information and found out it was over $13,000 for a domestic adoption. We also discussed about how it is harder to adopt when you already have a child. So I cried, got it out of my system, and we talked about making some plans for trips, vacations, fun things to do. I feel a lot better. I think I needed to get the talking, crying, etc. out of my system. Now I'm ready to go enjoy myself on vacation without Phoebe and Corona to Kansas City with Tom.

I think I'm coming to admit it...I still want another baby. Damn, I've been trying to repress it, but it's too hard. I miss the warm fuzziness and smell of my own baby. Other people's babies just don't cut it. You're not allowed to hold and snuggle them and enjoy that feeling you get from the one that knows you as Mommy. It's just different. I'm not quite sure what to do with this information. Do I shag my husband like crazy and make sure I'm taking all my supplements? Or do I go back to Dr. Russell and do more ovulation induction? I just gave them all my meds a few months ago? Do I do another IVF? That last one I have a hard time with. I think I'm still going to have to stick to the first option. I'm not that crazy about all the doctor's appointments, needles, and waiting. It takes too much from my life. Maybe I can still make this happen on my own. Lots of other women can that are even older than me. Why not me?

What was it with the men last night? Was their some greater cosmic force at work having husbands help their wives with domestic stuff and help give us a break? Tertia was having a good night with her hubby helping with the twins, www.tertia.typepad.com/so_close/2005/03/a_little_bit_of.html . Well the cosmic forces were at work at my house last night, too! Every Monday night, I do the "Weekly House Blessing" per Flylady. I know mine is more than an hour. It's because of perfectionism I know, but I'm also throwing in my nightly routine and laundry. Usually, this is something I do myself Monday nights and really don't get to bed/relax until about 11 PM, unless I skip mopping the floor or something. I usually try to keep Tom as far away from me as possible as he has a habit of complaining about cleaning. I think it's a man thing. He can be OK in the house if it's messy, but it drives me crazy!!! Anyway, I try to quit the stinkin' thinkin' and just do i...

I finally broke down and did it! I sent my resume out to a friend today whose husband works for a competitor company and has some IT Project Management positions available. I've been living this hell for way too long. I need to get out. In a way, I'm not sure if it's just me, though. Maybe other people are OK working for a large corporation and getting lost in the shuffle, but I just can't do it. I seem to remember the days gone by when I exceled at everything and felt like it was all going my way, and I've noticed that was always at small companies. I've tried telling myself that I should stick it out here and use it to test my patience and stamina, but I just can't seem to do it anymore. I get to leave work early today. There's a party at Phoebe's school that starts at 5 PM today. It's a Dr. Seuss party. She was so excited. She brought her favorite Dr. Seuss book, The Lorax. I'm amazed. We didn't ever really prod her to lik...