Progress

Tom and I had a good talk last night about the whole "having another baby" thing. It actually came up because of how we wish we could adopt a little girl that is in our "extended" family. She's the daughter of Tom's BIL's niece. If you can follow that. She lives with her grandmother, which is Tom's BIL's sister, because the mother (her daughter) doesn't have custody, the father does, but he can't keep her, so he let's the grandmother (the mother's mother) keep her. Not of this is formal and legally binding. I know this sounds like a Jerry Springer show. This little girl's grandmother was in the hospital recently and so Tom's sister has had her for a few days. I'm not sure if the grandmother got out of the hospital yet. Tom and I heard about this and we both said in his mom's kitchen that if anything ever happened that the grandmother couldn't keep her, we'd love to have her. Of course we'd want it to be formal and legal. Our daughter has been playing with her the past few days and has before in the past. They play very well together. She is the cutest little thing ever and such a sweetie. She's a year and a half younger than our daughter, which is exactly what we originally wanted. BTW, did I mention her mother is pregnant again? I don't know if she'll have custody of the new baby. BTW, I have no idea why she doesn't have custody of her daughter. I don't get too involved in gossip and such. I just see a sweet little girl that I'd love to give everything just like we do our Phoebe.

Anyway, this prompted us to discuss why we haven't started adoption paperwork (it costs $$$). The funny thing is that the only reason we were pursuing a biological child is that even with going to the RE, it's cheaper for us than adopting. I have the good luck of having a medical plan that covers infertility treatments. I really think they need to make adoption more affordable as a choice for everyone. Anyway, we also discussed how the fact that I've always been the one pushing to have another child has made me feel like Tom doesn't want any more children. Kind of like he's being a bit in a selfish mode the past few years. This is totally unlike him. You have to understand, when I was dating this man, he'd take the train home from school when he knew there was going to be a snowstorm so he could play in the snow with his nieces and nephews! What 22-year-old man does that??? Family was always important to him. We always said we wanted four children. Now almost 13 years of marriage and we only have one. He did say that he does often think that it would be nice to have another daughter or a son, but it just doesn't seem to work out that way. This of course, left me with the impression that he'd like to, but doesn't want to put the pressure on me since we know our infertility issues are not him. I'm so glad we had this talk.

BTW, I hope Tom doesn't still read my blog, because I've been going through a lot of emotional issues that I think are blocking conception and I've been planning on writing about them. The above is not one of the "issues", but I guess I'm a bit better if I know that no one I know is really going to read any of my posts.

Anyway, more on that later. The only other thing I wanted to say today is that I think the new herbs are doing something. We'll find out officially when AF shows up (it would be nice if it didn't though!). Basically, I've been very emotional the past two days. Yesterday, when DH and I were having this conversation, I did get all teary. But I was getting teary just coming home from work. One of the things is that this formula is supposed to be good for people with a wiry pulse. I think the reason I have one is that I keep so much inside that if I let it go, it would all come pouring out. I think that's exactly what's happening. I feel a lot calmer than usual, but that calm is allowing my true feelings to come out. I also had a very wierd dream last night. I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I want to read Julia's chapter on dream reading again and try to figure out what it is supposed to mean.